Dating
Christian Dating That Honors God
www.rlfaber.com/dating.html
Version 1 - June, 15, 2024
R. L. Faber
marriage
Preface: This article is written with the believer in mind who
is single, wants to get married, but does not yet have a deep understanding
of what the Bible has to say for the modern situation of dating.
Dating and marriage is bit complicated in our modern days. Even though we
have the Bible, there are many different ideas of how to apply the scriptures
to Christian dating. We like to evaluate ideas about good Christian dating.
In These Modern Days
In my case, I am responsible to not be led astray by the various
winds of doctrine or by teachers who are saying things that itching
ears want to hear. In other words, God has given his Word, and
in the main, it is very clear.
In these modern days, we have many conveniences and tools to
help us understand His Word. Today, the internet and instant
experts at our fingertips can explain any passage in a compelling
way. But there is something beneficial in the old way where one had
to struggle to understand God's Word. In the days before the
modern internet tools, we were less distracted. I recall a strong
reliance on the teaching of scripture. Today we live in massively
distracted times. I wonder how many Christians are reading their
Bible for the scriptures to affect them before they turn to an
internet video. If we do turn to an internet video, how good is
our Biblical foundation in order to evaluate the video?
An Example of Faithfulness and Waiting
During my Bible reading, I noticed the heroine Anna. Luke 2:36-37
explains how she lived with her husband for seven years from when she
was a virgin, and then as a widow until she was eighty-four.
This helped confirm my understanding of 1 Cor 7. In the midst of
all kinds of marriage-related conditions and states of life, Paul
seemed to advise people to stay in the condition they were in.
I dismissed the usual dismissal of Paul's ideas because of
"the present distress." Many Christians suggest that Paul only
cared about his crazy ideas because of a time of "distress."
Paul says it like this, "in view of the present distress"
(1 Cor 7:26). But I noticed that Paul said "from now on" (1 Cor 7:29).
This meant for all time into the future.
I expected that Paul would give more clarity if the
present distress was only a temporary situation.
The phrase "from now on", includes today.
Dating and Observing Marriages
I could see that someone who wanted to avoid Paul's advice could
try to wiggle out of the implications, but I wanted the safe
interpretation. Paul seemed to be saying that he advised Christians
to stay single, but that if Christians got married, it was not a sin.
Whenever Paul did say getting married was acceptable,
he was dealing with a single person.
This all related back to Anna. She could have easily gotten
married after her husband died, but she didn't. Today there
is the suggestion that divorced men and women have so much
pressure, so they just have to get remarried.
They have to marry someone, even though the one they married
is still alive. This is clearly not listening to 1 Cor 7 or
Romans 7. This is not interpreting the Bible with a New Covenant
perspective that sees the Holy Spirit adding clarity to the Old
Covenant context of Jesus. This is certainly not listening to Luke,
who was clearly writing to Gentiles. Instead of listening to the
clear teachings, they look for teachers who work hard at finding
alternate explanations for the Matthew "exception." These Christians
really just want what they want.
In my case, I wanted to know God's Word and will for my life.
I wanted to please God, and understand His Word.
I had heard the preachers, but I wanted to go to the source.
I was trying to compare scripture with scripture and not to be
following the ideas of men. It was much later, after getting married,
that I noticed more Christian friends with complicated stories.
I felt the advice in 1 Cor 7 about remaining in one's situation
to be good advice.
Dating And Marriage
Marriage is a model of Christ and the Church. It is God's plan
and desire for us to keep marriage for a picture to the world.
A good marriage is spoken of by Jesus as being impossible with man but possible with God.
Things often get so bad, many are encouraged to get "professional counseling."
It is sad that this cannot be handled by the church in light of 1 Corinthians 6.
The many problems could be a symptom of the current state of the church being very passive
and generally non-relationally oriented. There is a lot of pew-sitting absorbing brilliant
presentations, but very little person-to-person relationships where men and women are
held accountable to each other holding views that I will explain.
(traditional church vs
the other trend)
A great problem can be seen in the high divorce rate that exists even among
Christians. Very often the divorce rate is about the same between Christians
and Non Christians. I believe this is partially the result of a very bad
theology that is alive in the church. The whole topic of
divorce and remarriage
is a hot topic but I think it is hot because of the spiritual battle behind it.
I think the scripture is clear... if we listen carefully. Instead of taking
time setting the background, I will quickly state our position.
Forgotten Warnings When Dating
When I was young, there was only the KJV in our Christian
community. The NASB and NIV were not available. As an 8-10
year old, I recall reading 1 Cor 7:1 in the KJV,
"Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is
good for a man not to touch a woman." In our early teenage
years, I moved to using the NASB (1978 version) and it said
the same thing as KJV. But in our later teenage years, the
NIV became available and I was shocked to see the change.
They no long said anything about "touching", but only about
avoiding "sexual immorality." I thought this was wrong.
Much later, I started to appreciate the "ESV" and it also
goes along with the NIV with avoiding "sexual relations."
I have not studied this much, but here is someone else who
agrees with us (But I am not endorsing this website!, I
really need a better reference here!).
biblicalromance.com/.../not-to-touch-a-woman/
Anyway, during our formative time of learning the Bible, I took
1 Cor 7:1 literally, because I trusted what I read in KJV
and NASB. Why would I not? In 1975, I was new to reading
the Bible (age 8-10) and had not yet developed the "advanced"
techniques of avoiding the plain reading of the Bible.
Thankfully, this plain reading of the Bible in 1 Cor 7:1, along
with the support of the rest of the Bible, prepared us for the
youthful passions stage of life when I grew a bit older.
Later on, I discovered the new translations, but in my heart,
I held on to the plain reading. I took the literal reading
as good advice for how God wanted us to treat young ladies.
In summary, I strongly avoided "touching" women (in any form
of the romantic way of touching... even a girl's hand). Of
course, I interacted with women when it was appropriate.
Many of our teachers were ladies and girls were all around.
But in the early days, girls stayed in the girl's dorm at
boarding school and the boys stayed in the boy's dorm.
There was not much interaction. Later in public school,
girls were all around, but I avoided them. I felt there was
wisdom in the warning of 1 Cor 7 (the literal view).
I took it as a caution. I was careful. No, it is more like,
God protected me!
Dating And Waiting
So much later in life, this made getting married all the more
interesting! I recall, meeting my future wife in 1996,
at the Rio, Brazil American Consulate, and having an interesting
experience. As we sat in the waiting room, I felt free to touch
my future wife's hand for the first time. I had not touched any
girl in this way before. This experience consumed my mind with
emotions and I could hardly let go the rest of the day. We had
to walk around the city, and holding her hand occupied my mind
the rest of the day.
I am trying to relate this personal experience to 1 Cor 7 and
the wisdom of God (as I see it), in the plain reading of the text.
The idea also reminds me of the Song of Solomon. The advice is
to not awaken "love" until the right time (SoS 8:4). This guidance,
in 1 Cor 7:1, if you take it literally, can really help you.
It can make you a non-dater (in the American modern way of dating).
It can make you a person who avoids dating alltogether. It will
encourage you to wait until the time in life when you are ready
to be serious about marriage.
Almost all modern Christian dating completely abandons this literal
1 Cor 7 advice. The modern translations think they know better.
Do they? I question the modern translations. I am perfectly
happy with the literal translation of this verse. It has served
us well. But working well for us is beside the point. The real
question is what did God say? I do not appreciate the experts
hiding the significant meaning of the literal translation with
a meaningless warning about avoiding "sexual immorality" which
is already abundantly clear from the text. Why would Paul say
something so obvious? This is a lightening of the text.
I believe God brings a blessing with the following of the
literal translation of this verse.
So Many Marriages End In Divorce
I wonder if the modern dating practice is a recipe for divorce.
Of course, it does not necessarily follow that modern dating
ends in divorce... I am not saying that. But I am saying
that the crazy high ~50% divorce rate could be related to our
abandonment of Paul's advice. I wonder what things would be
like if Christians followed the 1 Cor 7 literal interpretation.
As it is now, Christians and non-Christians have almost the same
divorce rate. This is a shame. There is another way.
We should treat the young ladies with more respect.
We should treat them with honor. Don't mess with a girl.
You should only date a girl when you are ready to get married.
Elisabeth Elliot says it like this: "My father counseled his
four sons never to say 'I love you' to a woman until they were
ready to follow immediately with 'Will you marry me?'" (pg 94
Passion and Purity). You can have friends who are girls,
of course, but it should not be dating for fun, when there is
no plan to marry. But why would you want to share romantic
touches when God, through Paul, may have said that is not the
Christian way?
Biblical Dating
Modern dating suggests that there is a lot of freedom as long
as you don't do certain clearly wrong things. But 1 Cor 7:1
suggests another way. I suggest avoiding the modern dating
idea based on 1 Cor 7:1. This is the safe interpretation
and it goes along with the "not even a hint" of impurity in
Ephesians 5:3 (NIV). When you have this clear. When you have
read your Bible carefully. When you are not gathering other
teachers around you to itch your ears with their teaching.
When you have set your heart on following God's ways.
Then you can read Galatians 5 and know there is freedom.
Then you can consider dating with God as the center of
your dating relationship. Then you can have fun, and
be thankful for God's gift of beauty, if you chose the
harder way. I have chosen the harder way and I am so
thankful to have waited. When you do what is right, then you
realize that God will step in when you would have failed.
God will protect you from situations that you could not have
dealt with. Let God be honored in your dating because he
makes marriage a picture of Christ and the church. Your
dating should be preparing for a lifelong picture to the
world. Compromised dating is no way to begin marriage.
God calls us to purity. This is foundation for a joyful
and thankful and beautiful marriage.
REFRENCES